November 10, 2006
Extinction is forever.
And definitely more reliable than love.
xxx
I attract people much less mature than me because I look calm (really, I think, it's indifferent and jaded), I operate in the everyday in a manner that suggests world peace (already), and I make people feel safe and secure with me (because I bloody try my best not to judge anyone).
Is it because I make problems seem smaller and life, simpler because I don't plan in detail for the future and prefer the now?
Or it's just how I look. Too cool? Too calm? Too indifferent? Too weary.
xxx
Assuming my allocated time in this space is 75 years, in a third of my lifetime, there are 4 utterances by 3 different persons that are going to stay in the discourse of my life for a very very long time to come.
When I was a mere teenager...
"If you have the ground to fight, fight. If not, you don't even have a ground to stand on. How to fight?"
That is belief.
When I thought I knew what was love...
"You were a mistake that I don't ever want to repeat again."
That is trauma.
When I was not looking for love...
(In Mandarin)"You must take good care of yourself. Because I do cherish you a lot."
That is a whole new world.
When I was desperately needing support...
"I don't think you are ready to be just a mere friend with me. That's why I'm keeping my distance from you."
That is judgment and rejection.
The next time anybody, even if it's someone I love till it doesn't matter that I hurt,
1. make false accusations on me;
2. puts the blame on me so as to feel better themselves;
3. tell me what they think is good for me but actually, just fulfilling their self-righteouness or
4. pass judgment on me based on what they think I'm capable or not capable of doing, as if they know me so so so well,
I will say, "Fuck you".
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:37